monday: 12:04,

Just got back, well kinda anyhows and ways, you see, Nate and I took a drive in the dealership ( DL 409 ) car - well we ventured out to see the otherside and feel the steamy yet amazing July night air, windows half down and the dome light on so Nate could watch his fingers work and make our soon to be magic parade through the silent streets (of) Cameron. -- A grand slow time we had back to my car on the just-skirts of HWY 41-- my car parked in a near entrance way to a yet growing cornfield. We were pretty quiet on the way home, just taking it all in and sharing our cigarette smoke (don't get me wrong, I loved it, Nate is like that - I just dig him, totally, in any way he acts or how we act together, I enjoy it) and I stopped the car next to mine, parallel to my north horizontal parking.
Started talking about my situation with Marie(oh man did it stream down my skin and out my mouth -- just lost it inside and I felt so Radiohead (the music I go to bed to and drive to when she is on my mind -- which is every night and that is why I don't get much sleep and am always low on gas and out of cash by a week's worth of time) - anyways, my mind momentarily stopped when I was getting ready to leave, and it all felt wrong, so much worth my thoughts and my time and me not wanting it to be (depression, a sudden urge of) -- got Nate's attention and had a heart to heart about our friendship and a girl we both dig and enjoy and told him to go for it in that I would rather be o.k. friends with her and GOOD friends with him than to be better friends with her and just a confusing frustrated o.k. friendship with him. The words Nate and I exchanged were amazing in that short matter of time and I truly believe that we bonded strong and true, rope tight... So I told him I would talk to him tomorrow and to have a safe trip home, got in my car and drove home myself...

It 's been real hard for me to obtain the right (write) mind lately being with work and constant feelings of wanting to partee and feel the otherside of life besides the real, to escape the insides and feel stars, the outers, to the exterior. Been too not with it and drinking a lot, not coming home a lot and just wanting to think, not even able to at times, just not having the concentration to sit down and write, think with my words, put it in print, be beautiful on paper rather than destructive inside my head. But tonight, I just want, begging to be and getting there, somewhat wanting to stop and just listen - get enveloped and caught up mixed up in the music, but I must feel a different sector of the outers tonight (feeling the walls with the lights out, roaming endlessly in a dark room of words and intelligence, trippin on trying to smoke my cigarette and not choosing or falling on the wrong words.) I'm doing it now, the engine of the clock roaring up to almost the second hour rising into the Wednesday morning. My cigarette now out and the sprite to my right looking mighty enticing but my wrist my hands my fingers won't stop fore my mind is running far and fast ahead of their capabilities. This high is almost too much, but love it, if I could stop and smile, I would, by why do that when I am thinking it already knowing it (you see). Yass Yass!, here I come wonderful other world, not the First, nor the Second, but the mighty always wanting trying to reach Third level in how many I don't know total. This level being my mind on and my hands moving across the keys, through the lines of the paper...my thoughts being recorded, instead of just being merely enjoyed, properly executed for a future construction of something (possibly) a time capsule of thoughts.

Thinking of ya Thom...funny eh? I know, I do it a lot, but I got to hand it to you, like I have told you millions of other instances, that you are the one soul, the one mind and body that I learn from, that I truly and full fledge indulged in...never a dull moment or a broken thought or no good use feeling with you 'ol Thom boy. Like I was telling ya, when I was thinking about you, it was actually a combined thought of you and my novel idea (you being one of the main thoughts behind it) I know I want to start and I know how I want to start it, fill the meat of it and finish it, but I just don't want to start until I get my typewriter - weird eh? - 'spose you wouldn't believe so but you know me and my weird fixes(obsessions too) and using specific notebooks, titling them such ways and also designing them - neat addiction I guess I have that I also don't want to lose. Didn't ya always like that about me? Anyhow, I just think it would be neat to work my thoughts out on the smooth, black metal of a typewriter, to hear the sound, to work like Sean Connery in Finding Forrester, the feel of Jack K. stroking the shiny white letters with me, the vision of Hunter S. Thompson deep in a weird room, red illumination for light and his head huddled down tight next to the keys as he takes a continuous drag off his cigarette looking at the white paper getting black ink filled through one of his various colored shades...

Yeah Thom, it's gonna be grand (my book that is) I can just feel it. Do you actually think I can do a marvel with my idea? do you think it's a good one and also, do you believe in me? I know that you have told me before that you are truly intrigued in me and you love my train of thoughts and how I write....but I just want to know if you get just as much of a fix off me as I do with you...weird fascinations in my head Thom... oh man, how I yearn for this next year at ISU, you and I in the cold nights of winter, lounging on my bed and talking the morning hours away, coming off whatever we will take, while listening to the beauties of Radiohead, learning, Learning! from each other...what times Thom, what times we did have...
so... "what's the score here, what comes next?"

I got the taste in my mouth and the vibrations in my veins, telling me something fortunate, very colossal, between us two and the ideas we give each other ( My book man, my book!)will occur. (oh goodie!)

what a positive way to feel in such a blissful night - thank you ancient poets, you shine down tonight and explode the skies of my mind with worded stars shooting down at me.

this is one of the best highs in my life... realizing what could happen in my future and what parts I play with others, a wonderful slide show in my head, a great book that is being accomplished a movie of my life... before it happens...oh man oh man oh man...

this is beyond the moment Thom.